Got my 'economic stimulus package' yesterday so splurged on a movie. Felt the need to see Star Trek.
I went to see Star Trek. ROTFLMAO! It was sooooo JJ and Damian! Change
everything by starting an alternate timeline that can't be fixed. Spoilers?
So this Kirk wasn't born in Iowa...he just grew up there after his father
was killed in childbirth. Well, actually his father had to go die while the
baby was being born on his ship....but 'baby cried, daddy died' by the bad
guy traveling through time, of course. Captain Nemo, (actually Nero) and
the Moby-Dick-like plot with the bad guys chasing after Spock (great white whale?).
Mixed plots much, guys?
Then Jump to Iowa about 12 years
later and kid is barreling down thru the dirt of the plane and his
stepfather (Uncle?) calls him on his cell and tells him not to scratch the
vintage 'stang he stole. So kid tries to open the ragtop and since he is
going 80 it blows off. By this time there is a flying motorcycle telling him
to pull over. Soooo Star Wars.
Next part he is an adult DiNozzo- um - Kirk(where did they find a guy that
looks so much like a young Michael Weatherly?) in a bar fight with a bunch
of Starfleet Cadets (Cantina scene). Captain Pike comes in and tells
everyone to get out and tells Kirk that he should join the academy and honor
his father. Transport is leaving next morning at 8am. So Kirk shows up and
joins them as they head for the academy.
Three years later, bad guy goes to Vulcan and sends a tiny drop of red stuff
down to the planet in a pneumatic tube and creates a black hole inside the
planet. Spock manages to save his father but watches as his mother falls
into the hole before they can be beamed up.
On the Enterprise's first voyage, full of cadets (2nd Star Trek movie), Pike
is invited to the ship of bad guys, just like Kirk's father was back on the
day Kirk was born. Pike appoints Spock acting captain and Kirk as 1st
officer. While he is gone, Kirk, Sulu and Red Shirt go to the latest planet
to stop the bad guys. Everyone laughed when Red Shirt died; wonder why.
Kirk and Sulu fight the bad guys and nearly fall off the platform that
is miles above the planet but luckily Kirk does not lose an arm.
Kirk and Spock have a big fight on the ship. Spock wants to go meet the other 5 new
ships and go back to earth. Kirk wants to go after the bad guys and rescue
Pike. Spock uses the Vulcan neck pinch on Kirk and has him put in a capsule
and sends him to the nearest planet just to get him off the ship. (Star Trek Movie
III Search for Spock - sort of in reverse - should have seen the next part coming).
Kirk lands on Hoth planet and starts toward the Outpost a few miles away
through the snow. Big beast chases him. Bigger bug eats beast and takes over
the chase. Kirk finds a tunnel in the snow and runs in. Big bug almost
catches him before being killed with some lasor weapon by......Old Man
He does a mind meld on Kirk to find out what happened to everyone
and where Pike is. Spock has also traveled back in time (big surprise?) to
find the bad guy who is looking for him. Spock and Kirk then go over the
hill and see Fight the Future village in the snow. They go in and find a
hairless Ewok who takes them to....Scotty. Spock shows Scotty a formula that
he will invent far in the future to beam people onto a ship that is going
warp speed....cuz they need it to go back to the Enterprise. (convenient plot device here)
So Kirk and Scotty go to Enterprise but Spock takes his little space vehicle
somewhere else. Kirk makes Captain Spock mad enough to show emotion.
Sarek speaks sharply to Spock and he stops trying to choke the life out of Kirk.
Kirk kicks him out of the chair to become Captain and goes after Pike.
Kirk rescues Pike, saves earth by wrecking the bad guys ship and killing them all. Kirk
gets a medal. Spock gets Uhura. 17-year old Chekov gets to stay on the
Enterprise with Sulu.
Stay tuned for the next Original Series where they xerox all 72 of the
original scripts and have a do-over. Okay, that's just the highlights of the
movie. Many more 'homages' to Star Wars like someone breathing like Darth
Vader; the fight in the core of the baddie's ship where Kirk nearly loses an
arm but the other guy gets knocked off the platform (again without losing an arm) and falls to his death.
When you see the movie you will recognize every scene from
either Star Wars or Star Trek movie and/or multiple series. Step back folks;
nothing new here.